Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, conducted extensive research on the dynamics of relationships. He identified the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling - as destructive patterns that can significantly predict the success or failure of a relationship.
1. Criticism: not the constructive kind, but the "you always" or "you never" kind of criticism that's about as fun as stepping on a Lego. It's like when your partner says, "You never listen to me," and you're like, "Well, you never stop talking!" Not really helpful.
2. Contempt: the eye-rolling, sarcastic, "I'm better than you" attitude. It's the kind of thing that makes you want to throw a perfectly good cold brew at someone. You know, when you say something and they respond with an exaggerated eye roll and a "Sure, Jan." That's contempt, and it's as toxic as expired kombucha.
3. Defensiveness: Classic bucking and kicking when feeling accused or under attack. "It's not my fault," refusing to take any blame. It's like when you forget to take out the trash and instead of owning up, you blame it on your partner for not reminding you. Or they start bringing up all the times you forgot to do something. Classic defensiveness and it's about as effective as trying to get rid of student loan debt.
4. Stonewalling: Last but not least, we have the stonewaller, the silent treatment specialist. This horseman shuts down, disengages, and builds a wall higher than the Grand Canyon when things get tough. This person becomes unresponsive.
Now, let's rustle up some examples to make these unhelpful communication styles easier to spot out in the wild.
Imagine this: Sarah and Jake are two lovebirds out on the frontier of love. Jake forgets to take out the trash for the umpteenth time, and Sarah lets him have it. "You never take responsibility! You're so lazy!" she says. That, my friends, is Criticism, kicking up dust and causing a ruckus.
But it doesn't stop there. Jake, feeling wounded, responds with Contempt. "Lazy? Look who's talking, Miss Perfect!" he sneers. The venomous words fly like bullets in a shootout, leaving both feeling wounded and weary.
Meanwhile, across the plains, Alex and Taylor are having a disagreement about finances. Taylor feels attacked and throws up the defenses, "It's not just my fault we're in this mess, you know!" That's Defensiveness rearing its head, ready to buck and kick at any perceived threat.
As if that weren't enough, let's mosey on over to the next ranch where we find Chris and Pat. Chris, feeling overwhelmed, throws up the walls and refuses to engage, leaving Pat feeling like a lone rider in an empty desert. Stonewalling has entered the chat.
You guilty of these? Don't worry you can change
Instead of Criticism, let's try using "I" statements. For example, "I feel frustrated when the trash isn't taken out because it's important to me that we share responsibilities."
To tackle Contempt, let's replace eye-rolls with empathy. "I understand you're tired, but it would really help me if we can tackle this together." Foster empathy and understanding by actively practicing gratitude and seeking to understand your partner's perspective. Cultivating a culture of appreciation can help counteract contemptuous attitudes.
When facing Defensiveness, let's take a deep breath and try to understand our partner's perspective before jumping to our own defense. "I hear what you're saying. Let's work on this together." Practice acknowledging your emotions without immediately reacting.
And when Stonewalling rears its head, let's take a break and agree to revisit the conversation when both parties are feeling more level-headed and ready to engage. The space between you needs to be emotionally safe. Prioritize open communication and active listening. Establish an environment where both partners feel heard and valued, reducing the urge to withdraw from communication.
Lead with love. And if you can't, get a couples counselor. No shame in getting a coach to help you continue learning and growing.
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